A Blank Page

Half a year has passed since my last blog post, and what a half year it has been.  Too much has changed to go back and pick up where I left off, and someone very wise was absolutely correct when she suggested that it was time for a completely new start, completely on my terms.  I might move some archives in time, but for now, no.  I’m not that person anymore, and I’ve lost the desire to keep trying to bring her back.   Life as we’ve known it for over twenty years is coming to an end, so what better time could there be to start a new chronicle of our journey?  Well, my journey, I guess, since it’s my blog, but I don’t travel alone, so…!

Our physical environment is going to be completely different by this time next year (hopefully), and our heads and hearts are already in a new place.  The chain of events that led to this enforced life overhaul has been kind of awful, but the eventual outcome should be pretty darned marvellous!   For a while I was wondering if we’d ever find a way out of the negative vortex that was sucking us down, but one evening, when Daughter and I had both dropped from utter exhaustion, she threw an idea out for consideration, and the sun came out from behind the clouds … literally.  I’m not superstitious or into “signs”, really, but there was no ignoring that one. 🙂  We’re going home, both literally and metaphorically, and oh man, it feels good!  I don’t hate the big city, and we needed to come here when we did, but it’s not where we’re meant to be for the rest of our lives.  My heart has been quietly calling me home for such a long time, but I had to tell it to wait until the others heard the call for themselves, too.    The comparative peace and quiet will do us all a world of good, and quality of life should increase tremendously.  Of course you’ll be privy to every step of our new adventure, including the occasional bit of panic about how on earth we’re going to pull this off.  These days I’m doing well if I can make a meal, so packing up a house, cleaning it, redecorating from top to bottom before it goes on the market, then moving hours away, is so daunting that I can’t even let myself look at the big picture.  When things feel right, though, they always happen, somehow, so I’m trying not to fret.  Much.  Okay, I fret rather a lot,  but I still remember to take deep breaths, so it’s all good.  Mostly.

As for this new blog, I had come to really dislike the title of the old one, so chose carefully this time.  The other one was a cute in-joke all those years ago between then teenaged Daughter and yours truly, but Shakespeare wasn’t all that kind to women in his work, and especially not in that particular play, so the feminist in me was starting to rail against it something awful.  I can’t seem to get away from literary references, though, and I really, really have a soft spot for the works of Thomas Hardy.  There are many quotes that I could have chosen, but this one has spoken to me since I first met Tess, as a teenager.  It’s also a way of making amends for being so brutal on her in an essay written while studying the book in school.  I was dealing with some really big stuff at that point, all of which I had to figure out on my own, as per usual, so I wasn’t in the mood to be kind to a girl who wouldn’t stand up for herself and take charge of her own life.  I argued my point convincingly enough to get an excellent mark on the essay, but the teacher did remark that it was a tad out of character for me to be so unkind.  Oops. 🙂  Of course, having reread the book a few times in adulthood, I can see that I was rather harsh, so this will ease my conscience.  The actual blog address was selected to give my poor loyal blogging buddies a break.  Now,  if I get restless and want to change things up again, there will be no need to change the url.  Promise!  Well, unless I self-host, which is a distinct possibility if I can hit my groove again, but that’s a minor tweak.  My tech advisor should also be able to remember this url, should I need her to do some techy stuff for me.  😉

There’s so much to talk about from the past six months, and I’ll go into more detail about a couple of things in future posts.  But for now, here are the brief highlights:

– A major CFS relapse started just before Christmas, but it really picked up steam in January and I was knocked back to pretty much square one again.  Eight and a half years of  hard-won progress gone, just like that.  Which happens to lots of people, so I’m not a special case, but it’s a tough thing to deal with, especially when it changes one’s prognosis to pretty much hopeless.  Daughter lost a lot of ground over the winter, too, so she’s in the same boat.  But now we know what we’re facing, and can adjust lifestyles and such accordingly.  It’s kind of a relief, in an odd way, after all of these years of uncertainty, but it would have been nice if things had gone the other way!

– On a happier note, I celebrated my fiftieth birthday mid-January and can honestly say that it was rather painless.  Just being alive suddenly seems like a pretty awesome thing, so hey, I can rock 50 with the best of them!  I considered rocking the grey hair, too, but changed my mind after I saw the extent of the grey, er solid white.  I feel like I’m eighty years old on a good day, so seeing a younger being in the mirror helps on the bad days.   However, it’s stupid to be dumping chemicals on my head when CFS gives one chemical sensitivity, so I’m considering the natural look again.  Maybe by my next birthday…

– Many of you already know this, but for those with whom I’ve not been in touch for a while, and for new readers, the biggest impetus for the above-mentioned life overhaul  occurred on March 8th when The Mister had a heart attack.  There was absolutely no warning that he had cardiac problems of any kind, so it was a major shock for all concerned.  There should have been plenty of warning, judging by what was found when they had a look at his heart, but for whatever reason, he had defied the norm.  Luckily I was right there when it happened, otherwise he’d not be here with us now.  We got the best outcome that anyone could hope for under the circumstances, so feel extremely fortunate.  He’ll never know all that happened that day, but I’m not going to ever forget it.  Especially the moment when I felt his heart stop.  It’s astonishing how much can go through one’s mind in a short period of time, but luckily I also felt his heart start beating again, so most of those thoughts were for naught.  Recovery from such things can be frustratingly slow for the patient, but he’s doing very well and should get back to almost his old self in time.  There are restrictions on his activity for life now, though, so that really put the throttle to getting out of house and into apartment.  We had already come to that decision based on my health status early in the year, but didn’t feel a huge rush to get there.  Now it’s doctor’s orders for ASAP, so no putting it off.

Like I said, I’ll get into some of this in more detail another day, but for now this is more than enough for both writer and reader!  Welcome to the new digs, and thank you for your patience during my long silence.  I’ve missed you!

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