A very happy 2013 to all! I hope that this new year brings you peace, love, and happiness, in great abundance.
I’ve never really made New Year resolutions, but this seems like the right time to acquire a new habit. This is the year in which I’m going to hit my stride, one way or another, and a short list of resolutions can only help to make that goal come true. My 50th birthday birthday is very close now, which has naturally made me reflect aplenty. Not in a midlife crisis sort of way, as that kind of self-indulgence isn’t my style, but in a figuring out what will make my life meaningful from now on, sort of way.
2012 was meant to be the year in which I did the sorting out and preparation for this new phase of life, but I had no idea just how much sorting out I would end up doing. I won’t go into a lot of detail as there are things that just shouldn’t be spilled all over the internet, but hurt, resentment, disappointment, grief, and a host of other emotions had been building for years, and they finally overwhelmed me a few months ago. I shouldn’t have let it get to that point, but I’ve just been so tired that I didn’t see a lot of it happening, or didn’t have the energy to deal with it if I did pick up on it. I’ve always been the type to tackle things head on, no matter how big, but when you hardly have enough energy to brush your teeth some days, it’s easy to just let things slide. I don’t know what opened my eyes, but all of a sudden there everything was, staring me in the face, and it had to be dealt with. At first it was just so overwhelmingly sad, but then I got angry, and then I got steam coming out the ears furious, and that’s when things happen!
I can’t make anyone understand how it feels to be in my body, and I can’t make them step up and help in ways that would make such a difference. l can change my own behaviour, though, and that’s where the resolutions come in. I’ve spent my entire life accommodating the needs of others and now it’s my turn. Nobody’s life is governed by work or school now, so it’s their turn to accommodate me and my needs, as I figure out a lifestyle that works with my version of CFS. I’m entitled to some quality of life, too, and with my 50th birthday less than two weeks away now, I think that it’s time to find said quality. I don’t owe anybody my life or my health, and I’m just not going to put either in further jeopardy anymore. I’ve made myself so much sicker, time and again, by trying to “not let people down”, and that’s beyond ridiculous. This is an illness, for pity’s sake, not a lifestyle choice, so if anyone still gets upset because I can’t accommodate their every wish, in the way that they wish it, boo freakin’ hoo!
Minimalism is my new mantra, and over the course of the year, as energy permits, I’m going to go through this house, room by room, and downsize and organize absolutely everything. Again. If I have to dig to find stuff, or move things to clean, that’s energy wasted. Once I get things the way I need them to be in the house, freezer, pantry, etc., there will be war if anyone undoes my efforts this time, even a little bit! Everything else that I do will be simplified as much as possible, and the work that I do in the garden is also going to be cut way, way back. I’m going to get rid of my biggest flower bed as it’s too labour intensive, and will change the selection of vegetables to cut down some work there, too. I also won’t be doing any more preserving and such, as I still haven’t fully recovered from the efforts in September. Basically, if it isn’t essential, it won’t be happening anymore, period. Most importantly, though, I’m going to try to remember how to have a bit of fun again. It has been so long that I really have forgotten how, but I’m sure that I can figure it out if I put my mind to it. I’ve always been far too serious and grown up for my own good, but once upon a time, many many years ago, I did know how to have a good time. I think …
The final resolution is to revitalize this blog, well and truly. I’ve said that so many times, and have made brief returns, only to vanish again, but it’s different this time. While I’m no less tired physically, my brain is working so much better. One of the nicest things to happen in 2012 was being able to get back into reading again. It was a bit slow-going at first, but the pace picked up as the months went on, and now I’m almost back to where I was before the CFS did such a number on my brain. Reading and writing have always gone hand in hand for me, but the writing took longer to come back. All of a sudden it was there again about a month ago, though, and has shown no signs at all of going away again, so I’m going to do my utmost to keep it flowing. It’s still tiring, so I can’t do it for hours at a time, but I’ll take minutes every day and be glad of them. The more reading I did, the faster and easier it got, so I’m going to commit right here and now to writing something on this blog on a regular basis, even if it’s just a sentence about something that matters in that moment. I’m also just going to let the thoughts flow, rather than editing myself to death. If some posts are a bit disjointed on tired days, so be it. You all know what I’m dealing with, and I’m sure that you’ll make allowances. As long as the grammar doesn’t slip too much. Perish the thought! I’m a natural introvert, but too much isolation is a terrible thing eventually, and I need to reach out and connect with people so much more again. I really can’t get into Facebook in a big way, and am still not terribly wild about e-mail for some unknown reason, so I’d love to get back to having my blog as my main way of interacting with people on the internet.
So, welcome back to Shrew Towers, if any of you are still out there! I hope so, as I’ve missed you. Here’s to strengthening old friendships and building new ones through this great medium in the year to come!