The Actual, for Real This Time, Return of the Shrew

I didn't get summer pictures of the garden on here, so have some glorious autumn colour instead, courtesy of a local florist shop. No special occasion, he just knows how much I love autumn colours.

Right, let’s try this again, shall we?

I think it only fair to warn you that blogging can be dangerous to one’s health.  Apparently.  As stated in the July post, I was doing much better, after a rough first part of the year, but the minute I posted said positive news on my blog, it all went south again.  So, you’ll forgive me if I don’t send any further declarations of that nature out into the ether, yes?   Thus, I shall just declare myself officially back in the world of blogging again, and leave you to draw your own conclusion about the circumstances allowing me to be here.  Okay?  Okay!

I’m in the process of preparing our Thanksgiving feast, but I just poured myself a cup of thoroughly awesome coffee and thought that I’d get a few words up here while consuming said cup of deliciousness.  I had given up “real” coffee for a couple of years, and have only been back to a daily cup of it for the past couple of weeks, so the novelty factor is still there.  Even expensive decaf can’t hold a candle to a cup of the proper stuff!   Stimulants of any kind are technically a no-no with CFS, but whatever.  A little caffeine kick allows me to be functional for a few hours with no major payback thus far, so I’m going with it.

I’m not going to go into chapter and verse about what happened over the summer, but suffice it to say that it was one of the most serious relapses to date.  There was probably no one big reason for it, but obviously the fact that it was our hottest summer in several years was a contributing factor.  I’ve never been a big heat lover, but it definitely exacerbates all of the CFS symptoms in a big way.  Extreme cold will, too, but not to the same extent as heat.   So, while I don’t begrudge the heat lovers their most enjoyable summer in a while, I’m hoping for a more moderate summer next year.  A bit more rain would be nice, too, but I gladly sacrificed my usually lush garden this year, knowing that the flood hit areas were getting a chance to dry out after the horrendous spring events.  Tap water does keep things alive, but they don’t really thrive, and there’s a limit on how many times I’ll watch the water metre spin around for the sake of a garden!

Things have improved a bit since the start of autumn, minus the effects of the unexpectedly hot days this past week, but the picture is now very clear.  I guess that being medicated for most of the time since this all started had allowed me to live in a little fairy tale kingdom of sorts, but that’s all gone now and reality has slapped me full in the face over the summer and autumn.  This is it, and no amount of wishing and hoping is going to make it any better.  I’ve done all that I can to try to turn this illness around, to no avail, so there’s nothing left but to just get on with life as it is.   The energy that I have right now is all that I’m ever going to have, what I can do right now is all that I’ll ever be able to do, and that’s just the way it is.

There have been a lot of things to consider, decisions to make, etc., but it feels like things are starting to fall into place now.  Much has changed and will continue to change, but most of that isn’t of interest to anyone outside of our household.  What I do need to share, though, is that this blog is going to be my primary way of staying in touch with anyone outside of my immediate family.  Facebook, too, of course,  but mostly I’ll be communicating through this blog.  Individual communication of any length remains really difficult because of the kind of thinking that it requires, and it wears me out really quickly, so letters, phone conversations, e-mails of more than a sentence or two, etc. just aren’t going to be happening.  I’ve tried and tried to force the issue, but it’s not something over which I have any kind of control, so I’ve been exhausting myself for nothing.  Just general chit chat with my husband and daughter is impossible some days, so the communication problems are very frustrating, but just something that I have to live with.

I know that a lot of people are never going to understand the situation, and that’s absolutely fine.  It used to be really important to me that everyone get it, but now it just doesn’t matter.   I know that CFS is a very hard illness to grasp, even for those of us who have it, but I’m done with feeling like I’ve done something wrong because of something that is totally out of my control.   There are those who are still convinced that I’m just being lazy and/or selfish, that I don’t care about friends and relatives any more, that I’m mentally ill, etc., etc., but I can’t do anything about that.    If I were any of those things I probably wouldn’t be as ill as I am, and I’m certainly not going to lose any sleep over that kind of nonsense.    The bottom line is simply that, no matter what the expectations of others might be, I absolutely cannot do what I used to do, cannot be what I used to be, and cannot be available to people in the same way, ever again.   End of story.

But on a happier note, as stated earlier, it’s the Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and our feast preparations are well under way.  The actual holiday is tomorrow, but we always celebrated on the Sunday as I was growing up, and it still feels like the right thing to do. Leftovers go better with a day of football tomorrow anyway.  At least that’s what I’m told.   The turkey is in the oven and scenting the house up ever so nicely, the pumpkin pie is in the fridge, and I’ll be starting on all of the rest of the goodies as soon as I wrap up this blog post.  It’s pretty standard fare around here on these occasions, so no need to go into all of the details.  Perhaps the one difference is that our sweet potatoes/yams are baked in just a bit of butter and salt and pepper, as opposed to the ever so popular candied yams dish.  Blech.  Yams are plenty sweet enough as they come, and the idea of adding a bunch of sweet stuff, then topping them with melted marshmallows is really unappealing.  Just one of those things, folks.  I’m not a picky eater at all, but there are certain flavour combinations that just are never going to cut it for me.  Fruit and chocolate being another, but that’s a topic for another day!

Right, the bottom of my coffee cup has appeared, so it’s time to get some other food preparations started.  I didn’t actually intend for this post to go quite the way that it has, but now it’s all out there, and that’s a probably a good thing.  I plan to be back tomorrow, but just in case I don’t make it, or you don’t, Happy Thanksgiving to all of my Canadian readers!

And yes, this blog is active again for sure this time.  You can put serious money down on it!  Probably. 😉

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