Relaunch Number Two, Sort Of

 Hello again, Blog World.  I’ll bet that you thought that I was never coming back, and I can’t say that I blame you for thinking said thought.  Life got a bit, um, er, I don’t really know what the correct word is, for a time, but I seem to be firing on all cylinders again.  Well, more cylinders, anyway, and I’ll take however many I can get.  Perhaps I’ll go into more detail another time, but for now I’ll just say that I was fed up with my treatment regime as it was and decided to revamp the entire system, cold turkey.  Which is not what I would ever recommend anyone do, especially without medical supervision, but  I knew what I was doing and had a newly retired psych. nurse to keep an eye on me, too.   It didn’t work out quite as I had hoped, but there has been a big improvement in my general state of being, so huzzah for partial success. 

I have much to tell, but it will have to wait, I’m afraid.   I’m running on almost no sleep, so the thoughts aren’t putting themselves in any semblance of order this morning.  I received some news last evening that had the brain working in overdrive all night long.  My ninety-one-year-old grandmother has had her second heart attack in recent months and is in the process of leaving this world for the next.  She’s on morphine, so is comfortable, but there’s absolutely no hope of any kind of recovery.

We’ve never been terribly close, so I’m not really grieving.  Rather, it’s a feeling of  wistful sadness for what could have been, and probably should have been.  I’m the eldest of her seventeen grandchildren, and am named after her.  My daughter is the eldest of the thirty-one great-grandchildren.  You’d think that those facts alone would make for a special relationship, but they didn’t, and it took me a very long time to realize that it wasn’t my fault.  She and I had a handful of moments over the years and I did learn useful skills from her in those moments.  Mostly, though, she never seemed to “get” me at all, and didn’t hold back with the criticism.  I was happiest with a book in hand, so therefore I was lazy.  I was too quiet, so therefore I was sly.  Boys don’t like smart girls, so I needed to get my head out of the books and learn the things that really matter.   When I worked full-time I should have been home with my daughter, and when I eventually had to give up work, there was that lazy streak again and shame on me for not being out there earning a good living.   And on and on it went.  I’ve seen very little of her in my adult life and my daughter really doesn’t know her at all.  Which is a shame, but I purposely avoided putting Daughter in that company because of the judgement and criticism.    I’ve already done enough ruminating on all of this in the wee hours, though, so I’ll leave it there.   We can’t change what was, or wasn’t, but we can make sure that history doesn’t repeat itself in our own behaviour.

Like I said, I have much catching up to do, but at least you now know that I’m still alive and really doing quite well over in my little corner of the world.   Hopefully I’ll get back later, after I’ve had a snooze, but if not today, it definitely won’t be another two and a half months before the next installment!  Hope you’re all well and enjoying a splendid summer! 🙂

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8 thoughts on “Relaunch Number Two, Sort Of

  1. Welcome back! But i know why you've really been away! I got out while there still was time but you've gone on and got a family and a schoolhouse and everything! ;o)Really nice to read you again though even if the news arent the best. I know what you mean about not really grieving, just feeling a sense of loss of what could have been. For me i found a substitute that gave me so much more and i still miss her every day. She wasnt 'family' but she was much more a grandmother to me then my real one ever was. I always called her my gran when i was little and she just smiled and asked if i wanted to help her pick the raspberries in her garden so she could make her granddaugher some lemonade to take home. I just thought about that looking at my own raspberry bushes today, i'd almost forgotten that…

  2. Hey! So lovely to see you back in Bloggerland again!!! Whatever you've been up to, I'm very happy that you are regaining energy and strength… and will eagerly await whatever installments you wish to provide. xoxo

  3. Just popped in to thank you for reminding me of the title 'Brassed Off'I'm in the middle of posting the trumpet solo. DV!It looks fun here and I can see some chums so I'll be back – if that's OK.

  4. Well having returned and read your post 'fun' isn't exactly the right word (I was looking at the lovely surroundings) but an interesting and thought provoking post.I too have been having the 'wake in the middle of the night with disquieting doubts and fears' and not surprisingly have had much comfort from fellow bloggers.I hope you fare likewise.

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