I’ve changed blog locations a few times over the years that I’ve been blogging, but it has always been a case of just moving my blog for various reasons, rather than actually starting something totally new. That was fine for a long time, but in the past couple of years I’ve been struggling to keep my blog alive. It’s definitely not for lack of things to talk about, nor is it entirely down to the cognitive changes since becoming ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Fibromyalgia. I’ve blamed it on the illnesses when I talk about it publicly, but the truth is that there’s a lot more to it.
Everything about my life has changed so much that I’ve been crazy to try to keep writing in my blogging voice of old. The presence of the illness is change enough, but I’ve become such a different person because of it. I see the world through very different eyes, my lifestyle and priorities have undergone immense change, relationships are very different, etc., etc. Most importantly, though, I have acquired a new sense of peace, and a sense of finally really knowing who I am. I promise not to get all new agey as that’s not my style, but I do need to stop holding back from revealing what really makes me tick. It’s fear that has been robbing me of that freedom of expression and it’s time to take the necessary steps to eliminate that fear, once and for all.
Fear of judgement has been a yoke around my neck my whole life and is rooted firmly in reality, not paranoia. I come from that sort of family and seem to have gravitated towards that sort of friend until quite recently. You become accustomed to being treated in a certain way and that’s what you look for in new relationships. I broke that pattern when I got involved in the blog world, but then made the mistake over the past couple of years of inviting family and long term friends to come and read my blog. I thought that it might open their eyes a bit and make them more accepting, but in reality, it has had the opposite effect. Which, naturally, made me less and less willing to put myself out there, and the blog was dying as a result.
Finally, there’s a privacy issue, which has been adding to my discomfort for the past six months or so. There’s an ex-husband in my past and, while he’s not my favourite person in the world, I wouldn’t shut down a blog just to keep him or anyone in his circle from reading about my life. It’s a different matter, however, when it comes to my daughter. His daughter, too, from a purely genetic point of view, but he happily waltzed out of her life when she was tiny, never to be heard from again until she turned eighteen. At which point he resurfaced only long enough to thoroughly rock her world before vanishing again when he realized that things weren’t going to play out according to his fantasy. That brief contact left her thoroughly traumatized, and she’s still not completely over it, these five years later. She wants absolutely nothing more to do with him, hence her complete name change a couple of years ago, nor does she want him knowing anything at all about her. I knew that he read my blog once upon a time, but also knew that I had lost him with the moving around. However, I’ve been tipped off that he has found me again, thanks to some in my inner circle. Like I said, I come from that kind of family and have that kind of “friends”. 😦
I did consider giving up totally, but I never make rash decisions and decided to ruminate on it for a while. Meanwhile, my daughter sensed what was going on, as she always does, and created this new space for me, lest I need it. She has always possessed astonishing intuition, even as a very young child. She created my very first blog for me, just over eight years ago now, and now, as then, she suggested a Latin phrase to concisely convey the spirit of this new blog. I will move my archives over when I get around to editing them a bit, but this post definitely marks a new beginning for my blogging life.
Many things are going to be different over here, but one of the biggest is my letting go of the idea that I need to turn out regular “essays” in order to keep a blogging audience. Writing is harder now than it used to be because of cognitive issues, so I need to cut myself some slack. If I can’t write a post with a lot of words, there are lots of options and it’s not laziness to use them. Maybe I’ll lose some blog followers with the change, and maybe I’ll gain some, but that’s not the point of blogging. This is my place to express myself and, while I’ve gained some wonderful new friends through blogging and I do definitely keep you in mind, the focus needs to be put back on just sharing what means something to me, regardless of how it might be received by an audience.
Another significant change is the thought that perhaps the time has come for a bit of cloak and dagger when it comes to names and such. It really goes against the grain as I’m not a fiction writer and don’t wish to convey the idea that any part of this blog is not rooted firmly in reality. I’m getting sick of moving around, though, and would like to be able to put roots down “safely” in one spot. It’s kind of a sad statement that I feel safer in the company of comparative strangers than I do with people I’ve known most, if not all of my life, but that’s just the way it is. You don’t judge or meddle, they do, and I’ve had a gutful of it. I can’t think of nicknames that don’t sound totally silly and pretentious, but I’m sure that I’ll come up with something.
On a final note, mainly for new readers, life isn’t always a bed of roses, but I need this blog to be a mostly positive, encouraging place, and definitely one where anyone can feel safe and welcome. There’s way too much snarking, general nastiness, and judging going on in the blog world as it is, so I don’t want any of it to creep in here. I don’t care who you are, what you do, what you believe in, where you live, what your income and lifestyle might be, etc. Everyone is equally welcome here and I hope that you’ll enjoy hanging out with me.
Ad meliora …