I try my best to not let all of this get on top of me, and to keep the public complaining to a minimum. Stiff upper lip, and all that. But sometimes this monster throws its full arsenal at me and its strength overwhelms me.

I learned to be strong and capable in childhood, out of necessity, and have never, ever come up against anything that I couldn’t handle or figure out. I don’t panic and run. I don’t throw my hands up and swim around in big pools of self-pity. I don’t pass the buck to someone else. I calmly and methodically figure out what needs to be done and get on with it. Except with this beast. I can’t beat it, nobody can, and just when I think that I might have figured out how to tame it, it comes roaring back with a new set of rules and weapons. I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life, and I don’t like it. Nor do I like the fear and “what ifs” that creep in during the darkest hours of these assaults.

I’m the strong person on whom people rely, not the “weak” one who can’t fend for herself, and who lets people down. I’m the one who squares my shoulders and keeps going, no matter what. “I can’t” has never been in my vocabulary. After four years and a bit, I still don’t know how to do this. Who will I be if I ever figure it out?


4 thoughts on “Vulnerable

  1. I know what you mean. I'm cut from the same cloth. And it's the oddest and most disconcerting thing when the body that you've relied on and that has been so strong all your life suddenly betrays you. It just will not do what you're willing it to do, no matter how hard you're trying to make yourself suck it up and just DO something. Truly a case of “the spirit is willing but the body is weak.”Hang in there, friend. Surely better days are ahead.Love you, <3<3Diane

  2. Maybe you should take a step closer to the mirror. Take a long hard look and see if you can see what others have seen in you for quite some time.Strength that is measured in height and muscle tone is merely temporary and somewhat of a facade. Real strength is what defines a persons makeup. I'm talking here about your very apparent inner strength. The strength to remain silent when inside you the tears are falling, but your face remains dry.I see a lot from the window of my blog. I see a lot and I know who the strong people are.Keep the faith.

  3. Dearest Eleanor,My heart truly goes out to you and I so wish there was something I could do for you. I can't even imagine what you've been going through these last few years. I know how independent and strong you've always been so for you to feel so helpless truly shows what this has done to you. No matter what, though, you'll always be YOU and that's who we love. xoxox

  4. Thank you SO much for your kind words, good people! I'll get back to you after I've had some sleep, but for now let me just give you all a massive hug. And a sloppy kiss for you, Jimmy. On the cheek, of course. šŸ˜‰

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