I try my best to not let all of this get on top of me, and to keep the public complaining to a minimum. Stiff upper lip, and all that. But sometimes this monster throws its full arsenal at me and its strength overwhelms me.
I learned to be strong and capable in childhood, out of necessity, and have never, ever come up against anything that I couldn’t handle or figure out. I don’t panic and run. I don’t throw my hands up and swim around in big pools of self-pity. I don’t pass the buck to someone else. I calmly and methodically figure out what needs to be done and get on with it. Except with this beast. I can’t beat it, nobody can, and just when I think that I might have figured out how to tame it, it comes roaring back with a new set of rules and weapons. I’ve never felt so vulnerable in my life, and I don’t like it. Nor do I like the fear and “what ifs” that creep in during the darkest hours of these assaults.
I’m the strong person on whom people rely, not the “weak” one who can’t fend for herself, and who lets people down. I’m the one who squares my shoulders and keeps going, no matter what. “I can’t” has never been in my vocabulary. After four years and a bit, I still don’t know how to do this. Who will I be if I ever figure it out?