I’d like to introduce you to the last bloom of the year, which I’m putting here for all to enjoy. Who says that sunflowers always have to be yellow? 🙂 Said sunflower is the only bit of colour left in the garden. Well, apart from Stephanie’s beautiful burgundy chrysanthemums, but they were in bloom well before the sunflower and are starting to fade now. We had a much nicer than usual October up until a couple of days ago, but now Old Man Winter is rapping insistently at the door. No snow here yet, unlike parts west of us, but it’s definitely cold enough to snow at night now, and I don’t imagine that it’ll be too long before we see some.
Please consider the flower above to be a wee token of thanks for sticking around while the blog has been so quiet. I suppose that I should have announced that I was taking a real blogging break this time, but I didn’t actually know that I was going to be taking one. I sat down here umpteen times to do a post, besides the birthday greetings, but nothin’ was comin’. I have had quite a bit on my mind, but part of the problem was just with blogging itself. As you know, brain fog sometimes makes blogging a bit of an effort now and then, but this was something quite different. I have been blogging for a long time, so I guess it was inevitable that I’d get a bit stale eventually. I just felt like I didn’t have anything terribly interesting left to say. Forcing the matter over the past while has led to my blog drifing off in a direction that just didn’t feel like “me” anymore. Or, to be more precise, it was boring me rigid. Actually I was just bored to death in general, and have been for some time, but I didn’t realize it until now.
Boredom is something I’m not very familiar with, so it took quite a while to recognize it for what it was. Obviously it’s the health situation that brought it on as I’ve always been too busy/curious to be bored in the past. Sure, I’d get fed up with stuff, or sick of doing the same thing over and over, but that was easily remedied by finding something new and interesting to do. Or, sometimes, it was just a matter of putting in a day of good hard physical labour. Get the heart pumping and the muscles working, and the natural endorphins kick in to chase away the blahs. Things are a tad different now, though, and I had slipped into a really boring state of being without realizing it.
There’s the old saying which goes something like, “you’re bored because you are boring,” and it’s very true. So, while I’ve been absent from blogging, I’ve been off in search of a life, so to speak. Now doesn’t that sound interesting?! Well, in theory, maybe, but I’m only talking about relatively minor tweaking as far as lifestyle goes, at least at present. Major tweaking with the attitude, though, and I gave my natural curiosity and love of learning a ginormous kick in the tail region. I’ve always needed lots of mental stimulation to feel alive, and I just wasn’t getting any of the right kind of late. I might be a homemaker, but what I do doesn’t even come close to defining who I am. I do what I do because it needs to be done, but my true passions lie elsewhere. High fives and respect to those of you who do get a major thrill from doing all of the stuff that a homemaker does. But it’s just not my reason for being, and there’s no point in continuing to pretend that it is. I abandoned my career because I do get a thrill from being a parent and I was needed far more by my young daughter than I was by any workplace. But trust me, the years at home have not changed my mind about never wanting to be a Martha Stewart clone! Now you know! 🙂
As for the “stuff on my mind” bit, I’m not used to having restrictions on me of any kind, and, while I should be getting used to them after this length of time, I’ve still been struggling with the acceptance bit. Which isn’t an entirely bad thing, I don’t think. I do accept … now … that the restrictions really are there, but I just cannot and will not view myself as a “sick” person. It’s just not part of my nature and I think that things would be far worse if I did have that other kind of personality. All of the experts describe adjusting to a chronic illness as a grieving process, and of course it is, to a certain degree. But, thinking in terms of something dying is just way too negative for me. Sure, things are very different from how they were three years ago, and the changes continue. Some symptoms are gradually improving, others are gradually worsening, and some just can’t quite seem to make up their mind one way or the other. Life as I knew it before I fell ill is gone, and it’s obvious now that it truly is gone forever. But life itself is not gone, it’s just different, and that’s what I’ve been working on very hard of late.
And what’s the outcome of all of that thinking? Sure, I absolutely cannot do some things anymore, no matter how much I might want to. But there are so many new options that I had never even considered before, and my head is positively spinning with new ideas and possibilities. And that is definitely a boredom eliminator! 🙂 I’m not going to say that I’m glad that I got sick, as I’m not a total masochist, thank you very much. But, as ever, that cup is still half full and man, I have some serious sipping to do!
Anyway, enough. Thanks again for your patience and understanding, and have a great Sunday!