Oh dear, it has been a while again, hasn’t it? I shouldn’t have gone off and left you hanging after such a miserable post, but my general health situation has slipped a bit more, hence the silence. The previous post was a lot more melodramatic than I like, but the quote at the end was a set up for a follow up post, which never happened. The moment for it is gone now, though, so I’ll just leave the subject there, and move on to more pleasant things.
First off, you’ll have all noticed the new decorating job here. Thank you, Stephanie! It’s not one of her designs, but she put it up for me and did the necessary tweaking, so thanks are still very much in order. She had offered to do a design from scratch, but I came across a batch of themes I really like, all designed by the same woman for WordPress, so Stephanie gets a break from designing … for a while. Don’t think that I won’t pester you again at some point in future, though. 😉 But seriously, as much as I appreciate her offer, she has enough on her plate at the moment as it is, and “found” themes will do quite nicely for the next long while.
Secondly, I want to wish my family’s Jewish friends, and any Jewish readers who might pop by, a very happy Rosh Hashanah, or Happy New Year. May the year that’s just beginning be your best ever!
Thirdly, I want to thank all of my “regulars” for their patience again. I won’t guarantee that there won’t be any more quiet spells in future, but hopefully they will be less frequent, thanks to my new grip on reality. There’s nothing like chronic, ever worsening pain to drive a point home, I tell ya. I’ve fought the good fight, but the battle’s done now. I’m not going to become a complete invalid – I’m made of much sterner stuff than that. But I am going to start doing absolutely everything suggested by my “team”, exactly as suggested. I have been following orders quite closely since the bad spell in July, but there were still things that I felt I could probably do differently, or would be able to do differently in the near future. Not so. Even with the additional lifestyle changes, the pain has now reached the point where it’s preventing me from doing many normal, day to day things, and the fatigue is becoming very overwhelming and debilitating again. Accepting everything is a process and the adjustment to it takes time. But in the past week or so I’ve fully accepted that I am definitely in this for the very long haul now, and that I just have to let go of all notions of picking up where I left off with many, many things before I got sick. If I’m lucky, I’ll be able to pick a few up again at some point way down the line, but most are probably gone forever.
Reality can hit hard sometimes, and I’ll admit to really struggling with the new realizations over the past several days. But now I’m okay. Many years ago a truckload of lemons landed in my lap, metaphorically speaking, and life as I knew it was over. Almost everything that could change, did change that year, and I found myself forced to turn down a path that I had never even glimpsed before, let alone considered following. But you know what? Before I had walked very far down that path, the truckload of lemons had transformed themselves into a huge vat of lemonade. So, hey, if I could make lemonade out of that mess then, I can certainly do it again now, with this latest bunch of lemons.
The pucker power of a lemon is a very subjective thing, though, and there are people out there who find them much more sour than I do. A few days ago someone was not helping my mood in the slightest by rattling off a long list of everything that she figures I’ve lost, and am going to lose over the next while. She was particularly “helpful” with her comments about how selling our house in the fairly near future and moving to an apartment would be such a come down and would evoke such feelings of defeat. I didn’t feel that way about it before she started blathering, but I had a eureka moment as she droned away, and was grinning by the time she finally stopped for breath. The grin perplexed her something awful, but I just left her wondering. Honey, the change of location and future lifestyle that we have planned is definitely not a defeat. In fact, I’m going to be living the dream that I had for myself during all of my growing up years. Eureka! Unlike many, I didn’t dream of the little house with a white picket fence, and everything else that goes with it. Rather, my fantasy was an apartment in the city, with all sorts of cultural experiences within very easy reach. You can tell that I rather idolized Aunt Dot, a single lady and career nurse, who lived here in Winnipeg in an apartment, just a stone’s throw from lots of interesting venues. When I was a child, the sister next in line after me and I would come to spend a week or two with Aunt Dot every summer. The time with her was just the most exotic, heavenly experience for two little girls from a farm out in the sticks, and man, did I ever want that for myself when I was all grown up. 🙂 Well, I did get the nurse bit pretty quickly, but …
Anyway, please just bear with me while I get myself sorted out a bit more here. I have to figure out what my new limits are, and then be brutally honest about what I can and cannot manage within those limits, both now, and for the next few years, at least. Letting go of some things that I have really enjoyed, or that have seemed important over the years, is going to be tough. But it has to be done, once and for all. The short-term goal is to stop the downward slide, but long-term, if I start playing the cards exactly right from this point on, there should be at least some improvement. It might take two years, five years, ten years, or more to be really noticeable, but it will happen. I just know it.