To Thine Own Self Be True

Sorry, folks, I need a bit of therapy here today. This is mainly for my own benefit, so feel free to just move along if you aren’t in the mood for some venting today. Writing things out is usually the best way to clarify them in my own head, and I suspect that it’s going to do wonders for the current situation.

Oh, what a fool I’ve been. A colossal fool, actually. For all of my recent spouting at others to just be true to themselves, to not worry about what others think, and so on, do I ever take my own advice? Rarely. Hypocrisy is not something that I consciously embrace, but man oh man, I really, really need to whip the subconscious part of my brain into shape, and quickly.

It’s absolutely insane to lose two nights’ worth of sleep over something so trivial, really, and to be walking around with a major knot in my stomach today. But here I am. All because, yet again, I made a stand, was as honest as I could be about my life at present and what I need to do because of the way things are now … and then backed down as soon as others started to make a fuss. Why do I keep doing that? Why? Why? Why? Even worse, I let them make me feel guilty for having the audacity to make the stand in the first place.

So, here I am, feeling incredibly guilty for hurting people’s feelings, which logically should have never been hurt. I mean, if the roles were reversed I certainly would have understood and accepted the situation without a second thought. I’ve always been pretty easy going about friendships and such. Which is not to say that I don’t value my friends, but if they need to step away completely for a while, or lessen contact for some very legitimate reason, no problem. I’ll be here when and if they get sorted out, life becomes easier for them, etc. And if they can’t pick up regular contact again, that’s okay, too, as long as they’ve let me know what’s what.

There’s upset mixed with the guilt, too, and that’s making my stomach churn as much as anything. I’m upset with them for not understanding, but mostly I’m upset with myself for letting them make me feel guilty when I have nothing to feel guilty about. I didn’t choose to get sick, and I certainly didn’t choose to make it linger this long, with no end in sight. I can’t help being too tired to do many things now; it just goes with the territory. I can’t make it go away, and I’m certainly not just using it as an excuse to get out of doing things that I no longer want to do, but am too cowardly to admit that I no longer want to do. I’m sorry that they’ve been hurt in the past by others with lame excuses, but that’s not my fault and don’t take it out on me. This is legitimate, I was as honest as I could be, and what more can I do?

And I also don’t appreciate the resentment about my blog and journal. I’ve only just realized how much that has been in the back of my mind all along, and how it has taken away from some of the enjoyment of having a blog. All along I’ve been quite apologetic about it, but why? Aren’t I allowed to do things that I enjoy? Aren’t I allowed to have contact with people through another medium? And, most importantly, why the big song and dance now because I can still blog, but find other ways of keeping up with friends too tiring? It has nothing to do with “I like them better than I like you now”; it’s all down to the method of contact. Those who don’t blog aren’t going to get it, obviously, but don’t knock what you don’t know and understand. My whole life right now revolves around getting maximum result for minimal effort. That’s just how it has to be, and how it’s going to continue to be for the foreseeable future. And blogging fits that requirement perfectly. For the sake of a few minutes of effort, I can have contact with dozens of people out there. That contact is about all that I have a lot of the time now, and it’s vitally important to me.

I live with two great conversationalists, but I need more. I’m a homebody by nature, so being housebound for days or weeks at a time doesn’t bother me in itself. But the lack of human contact does after a time, and I’m going to have it however I can get it, with no more apologies or guilt. And I’ll have whatever closeness of contact I desire with my blog friends, with no more apologies or guilt. This is as good as it’s going to get for mass contact for probably quite a while, if not forever, so either come along for the ride, or don’t. I’ll do the best that I can when it comes to personal contact, but I can’t guarantee an exact quantity or frequency, and I am not going to put my health in further jeopardy any longer, trying to keep up with things as I once did. Nor am I going to continue to apologize for enjoying my blog, treating it like some kind of guilty secret. My blog is not the reason for not being able to stay in touch with everyone as I once did, and it’s stupid to put the blame here. I had a blog for years before I got sick, and still kept up with everyone during those years.

So, basically, this is about being cut some slack, which I deserve. This is about me, not about you, and I don’t understand why anyone would take my change in circumstances as a personal insult. I’m also going to cut myself some slack, starting right at this moment. As I hoped, just venting is doing wonders for the irrational guilt and upset, and I’m not going to let it come back after I post this. Circumstances change over time and people change over time. If we truly care, we’ll accept those changes and adapt to them. If we don’t, then we won’t. It’s as simple as that.

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