Greetings, greetings. Yes, I’m still alive over here. My apologies for the quiet blog this week. As usual, the lack of posts has been down to a CFS relapse. Well, maybe not quite the usual as this one is particularly bad, but little by little I seem to be picking up again. I think.
The ups and downs are nothing unusual, and I’ve more or less come to accept them over the past couple of years. But this one has been pretty discouraging because it’s such a major set back. The progress has been very slow over the two years, but recently it really seemed to be picking up speed, and my optimism for a recovery was growing by leaps and bounds. Not everyone recovers, but many do, and the thought has always been that I will … eventually. It might take years, but I should get there. However, with this kind of a major setback, I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t know, maybe it’s a combination of things affecting the mood, but I don’t think I’ve felt so upset about the whole thing since it all started two years and two months ago. I know for sure that I’ve never sat down before and had a good bawl about it all, nor have I felt as sorry for myself as I have in recent days.
Up to now I’ve so firmly believed that I’d come out of it completely, and sooner rather than later. That’s just the way my head works. There has never been anything thrown in my path that I couldn’t see my way out of, and for which I couldn’t take the logical steps needed to get out of it. So, I’m in totally unfamiliar territory with this illness, and it’s territory that my head doesn’t know how to process. It’s only now that I’m realizing that I have no real control over this situation, nor does anyone else. Symptoms can be treated as they arise, but it’s essentially very much a wait and see thing, with the illness itself being in control. And that is a concept I find very hard to accept. But I have to accept it, and the sooner I do, the better.
I’m never going to quit hoping for a complete recovery, and I’m certainly not going to let this limit me any more than absolutely necessary. But Richard nailed it on the head the other evening when I was venting some of my frustration. “Don’t you think it’s time to accept that you no longer have a normal to get back to? What you knew as normal no longer exists, so you can’t keep measuring days now against that, nor should you have that as your goal. You’re just setting yourself up to feel like a failure every day, and making things so much harder for yourself in general. Just take each day as it comes, delight in each small step forward, and accept that not every day will bring one. This is your reality, accept it, let go of things that you can’t manage, and focus only on what you can manage easily on any given day. If others can’t understand or accept your situation, that’s their problem. This is entirely about you and what your needs are now, not about expectations from anyone around you.” He’s absolutely right, of course, as always. I’ll get my head in that place, but it’s going to take some doing!
There’s so much more that I could say about this, but for now I’ll leave it there as I need to get back to bed. I’ll try to get back here later with a more cheerful, newsy update. The self pity never lasts forever, you know! 🙂
Until then …